Keep On Swimming...

So I'm giving this a try again... I don't want to give up.  I need to express myelf.  I can't even talk to my husband about what bothers me on a daily basis.  Partly because I know how stressed he is already with his job and other shit going on.  I swear sometimes, I feel like he's better off without me.  He can live his dream of living with his parents and Isaac and meet someone who shares his vision and dreams. Because let's face it... mine and his are completely different. I want to live in the country and live a simple, sustainable life. Make things with my hands.  He wants a house, boat, car, toys, and everything else that our friends and acquaintances have.  I'm so sick of it...

A First Memory - Where It All Started

This is one of my first memories, I believe.  4 years old. Kindergarten class with my twin sister. Sitting at a table colouring.

I remember distinctly colouring outside the lines and thinking it looked great!  In fact, I felt proud of myself!  I looked over to my sister, and there she was colouring so neatly inside the lines.  I thought, "That's boring."  Nice, but boring.

Along comes our teacher, Mlle. Lacoursiere, and she says to my sister "Very nice!".  And to me, she says "You should learn to colour like your sister."  She didn't say it in a mean way, but I honestly felt offended.  And it made me sad.

Why do I share this memory with you?  Because I believe that it was the first of many mistakes in which I had to suffer the consequences.  My teacher meant well, but after that, I felt like I couldn't shouldn't be myself, and that I should be just like my sister.  After all, we are twins.

How was I to know that I was allowed to be my own self?  That I could express myself through colouring?  If I was in kindergarten today, surely the teacher would not say that to me.

But that is in the past and I shall not dwell on it any longer.