Keep On Swimming...

So I'm giving this a try again... I don't want to give up.  I need to express myelf.  I can't even talk to my husband about what bothers me on a daily basis.  Partly because I know how stressed he is already with his job and other shit going on.  I swear sometimes, I feel like he's better off without me.  He can live his dream of living with his parents and Isaac and meet someone who shares his vision and dreams. Because let's face it... mine and his are completely different. I want to live in the country and live a simple, sustainable life. Make things with my hands.  He wants a house, boat, car, toys, and everything else that our friends and acquaintances have.  I'm so sick of it...

A First Memory - Where It All Started

This is one of my first memories, I believe.  4 years old. Kindergarten class with my twin sister. Sitting at a table colouring.

I remember distinctly colouring outside the lines and thinking it looked great!  In fact, I felt proud of myself!  I looked over to my sister, and there she was colouring so neatly inside the lines.  I thought, "That's boring."  Nice, but boring.

Along comes our teacher, Mlle. Lacoursiere, and she says to my sister "Very nice!".  And to me, she says "You should learn to colour like your sister."  She didn't say it in a mean way, but I honestly felt offended.  And it made me sad.

Why do I share this memory with you?  Because I believe that it was the first of many mistakes in which I had to suffer the consequences.  My teacher meant well, but after that, I felt like I couldn't shouldn't be myself, and that I should be just like my sister.  After all, we are twins.

How was I to know that I was allowed to be my own self?  That I could express myself through colouring?  If I was in kindergarten today, surely the teacher would not say that to me.

But that is in the past and I shall not dwell on it any longer.

Update

This entry has also been in 'Draft' mode since June 26, 2012.  It is in response to this entry.

"Okay, so nothing happened on May 27, 2012.  LOL.  I don't even remember anything significant that happened that day.  So all is well...

Except that I am currently in the hospital.  I am in the "Family Room" at the University of Alberta Hospital using the computer and I only have 20 minutes left on my "walk".  It really sucks.  I've been here for 2 weeks now.  I was admitted on Tues. July 12 and I really don't remember much about that day, or even the first week that I was here.  I just remember that I was hallucinating and was very paranoid.  I seriously thought I was in the Matrix, and I was like Neo, the Chosen One.  I kept having deja-vus / glitches and I felt like I had to figure out who Morpheus was, though in a way I was also Morpheus.  I remember faces morphing in and out of my view, and seeing what looked like ghosts or spirits (like the movie Ghost with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze).  I remember taking my contacts out because they were bothering me, and I believed that it was meant to be so that I can see people's auras.  In fact, as I gave my eyes the time to heal a little, I believed that I had developed somewhat of a sixth sense, and that I had this gift to share with the world."

First Entry - Ah!

This entry has been in 'Draft' mode since June 2012, and I am just now finally posting it because I've decided I want to try this again.  I really do need an outlet, a diary of sorts, where I can... THINK... freely... and not be afraid of what I have to say:

"I've always been shy, so this is a HUGE step for me in regards to 'speaking up/out'.  I can't believe someone just might actually read this.  But I'm glad, because I feel like I need to speak with someone... or, at least, FEEL like I'm speaking to someone.  I'm always talking to myself in my mind (maybe that's why I went crazy! :p)  I don't even care if you care or not, because I just want to know that I'm taking the next step in expressing myself.  I've always felt hindered or stumped when it came to it. I could never say what I really wanted to say.  Especially to my parents... *shudder*...

Now, so far it's taken me about half an hour to write -- that's how scattered my thoughts are! I keep changing things around, deleting, rewriting, rewording... So I hope this blogging will also help me become a better writer.... help my thoughts flow freely...

I actually did start writing down my thoughts, in various places, i.e. journals, text files on my laptop, and memos on my phone... (again, see how scattered and random that is?) but the thing is, I found myself repeating a lot of things, going in circles with my thoughts (because a lot of what I think actually tie-in together)... and that's okay because, ultimately, I want to be able to present my ideas/philosophies to you and see what you think!"

May 27, 2012

So apparently the beginning of the end is today, May 27, 2012.  I have to admit that part of me believes it. And that same part of me is ready.  If Christ is returning to us, I will not fear him.